We all love holidays, because they allow us to celebrate and make merry.  Who doesn’t want a good excuse to overindulge and act like an idiot under the guise of honoring something or someone? For those who are disappointed in the scarcity of holiday offerings usually marked on your yearly calendar, break out the bubbly, ’cause here are some monthly commemorations you may not have heard of.

Inane Answering Message Day

Celebrated on January 30, this unusual holiday gives us the opportunity to pay tribute to one of the most infuriating inventions of our time…the telephone answering machine. Wonder if the person who thought it up had any idea that it would lead to millions of people being bothered by irritating, long-winded messages from relatives, disgruntled ex-lovers and idiots trying to sell them things they don’t want?

Why not give a few of them back a little taste of their own torture on this momentous holiday?  By all means, call your mother’s telephone number when you know she’s going to be out somewhere and leave an annoying message on her answering machine, in which you complain about her not calling you enough.

Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbor Day

This friendly holiday is celebrated on February 9th.  And, no, even if your neighbor is an obnoxious jerk, you can’t just wave that one particular finger at him.

What If Dogs and Cats Had Opposable Thumbs Day?

If you are puzzled about the mental faculties of the persons who came up with this bizarre March 3rd holiday, I think it’s only fair to mention that Beer Day was celebrated on March 1st, which means they probably celebrated overtime.

World Cow Chip Day

Ah, the pleasures of hardened bovine dung!  On April 19th, you can pay tribute to this natural wonder, popularly called “cow chips”, by tossing a few of them at your insufferable boss, your overbearing in-laws or the guy who cut you off on the way to work.

Great American Grump Out Day

On May 7th, get into the spirit of this unique holiday by being standoffish and anti-social to your fellow human beings.  Now, you actually have a legitimate reason to be an ill-tempered, cantankerous old crank.

National Bubba Day

June 2nd gives special recognition to all people who possess the distinctive moniker of “Bubba.”  Go to a Blue Collar Comedy concert and yell “Hey, Bubba, you left your keys in the pickup!” and watch as 3/4ths of the audience runs to the exits.

National Bikini Month

Mark this holiday for the entire month of July!  However, some people can best honor it by not wearing a bikini.

National Failures Day

Do you feel inadequate or incompetent?  Do other people see you as a misfit or loser?
On August 14, you can actually feel good about it, since there is a special holiday to honor your lack of success in life.

National Punch Day

This comes on September 20th.  I am not sure whether the “punch” it refers to means that we should go drink a fruity drink or go up to perfect strangers and sock ’em in the jaw.

International Moment of Frustration Scream Day

How cool to have a special day set aside for you to vent your angst by acting like a raving maniac!  It falls on October 12, the same day as Columbus Day.

National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day

Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. Anyway, it’s honored on November 20th.

National Bicarbonate of Soda Day

And you thought that Christmas was the only big highlight of the month of December!

Not only is this December 30th holiday enjoyable, but pretty practical, considering that your digestive system is probably clogged to the gills with all the fattening, greasy,sugary, unhealthy food you’ve been stuffing down your gullet for the entire month. Hoist up a glass of bicarbonate of soda and make a toast.